Sunday, June 29, 2014

Why some girls are afraid to date, ever.

Some girls in their mid twenties or even early thirties confess that they have never dated. Decent looking, young, smart, financially stable... but forever single. I have personally met a few who fancied someone but when they were asked out, they decided not to go on a date. These too, were forever singles. 

Why? If you have feelings for the person, why would you not give it a try? Why are girls afraid to go out with guys?

I think I've found the answer.

Few weeks ago during Behavioral Science class, one professor mentioned how during adolescence, people go through a phase to discover "self-identity." Apparently, this is also one of the reasons why bullies pick on kids (AKA unstable "self-identity"). They do not feel comfortable with who they are, so when they see someone who is very different from them they become provoked and even annoyed. Hence, harassment follows. 

Following this story, the professor went on to say that girls who lack self-identity are also afraid of committing to a relationship. Because they yet do not have a strong grasp on who they are, they are scared to let themselves be "exposed" to the other sex. For them, the term "dating" is interpreted as giving up all of yourself to the other. But if they do not have a discrete definition of who they are and what qualities someone might like them for, they are bound to be afraid of committing to a relationship. This all stirs up insecurity.

I feel that this is a very reasonable explanation. Couple months ago I read an article how women generally have low self-esteem. I was aware of the fact that statistically women until their late 30s have lower self-esteem compared to men, but I didn't quite understand why (other than their physical differences). According to what I have read, women face many expectations from the society. They are expected to be pretty, feminine, a household carer, etc. These expectations, as well as stereotypes,  probably create a concept of perfection that cannot be attained but only longed for. And when one is always short of social expectations it brings low self-esteem. Therefore, if a girl has grown up in a household where she was harshly treated, criticized, and scolded, there is a likeliness that she has lower self-esteem than the rest. 

This video might be going slightly off-track but it does a good job depicting the stereotypes of women and how being a "girl" may imply "inferiority." 

Back to the main topic and to wrap up, I want to provide you with a conclusion.
If a girl rejects you for illogical reasons, try to give her compliments, space, and time to help her build confidence and self-value. If you are patient, these forever solos will tend to open up. In fact they will be touched by your persistence and father-like care.  

And for girls, I would like to say that you shouldn't be afraid of being who you are. Whatever pressure you feel from the society, be yourself. I'm not implying that you should be rebellious and become a feminist. Social expectations can play a positive role by shaping your character and qualities, but over-depending on it and being swayed by it can be hazardous by taking away your integrity and uniqueness. So I hope that you'd find that balance without damaging your self-esteem. Once you have solidified your self-identity and self-esteem, I hope you'd give yourself a chance to find that relationship of your dreams. Not only give yourself a chance but give a chance to that genuine guy. You really have nothing to lose. 

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